Scattershot
I think the only way I can do this is if I just grab one page at a time from my notes, records, photos and memory and put it on a page. Maybe if I tag everything with enough detail, then I can go back and make something coherent out of it -
you probably don't know what I'm talking about.
My dad smoked and drank liquor his whole life. At the age of 62 it caught up to him in the form of throat cancer. The last eight years were tragic in ways I can't figure out yet how to convey, although I've been trying for almost 15 years.
What broke me was not the tragedy of watching a man die, consumed by his own addictions.
What broke me was watching him resign to the futility of changing his habits it was too late; nothing could stop the misery at that point, why stop making it worse?
What broke me was the near universal indifference to it by those who I mistakenly told the story to.
What broke me were people who did not know personally anyone else in our story, not me, not my father, nor those in my family who saw fragments and snippets of what happened and thought it was nothing to get so upset about. After all, it wasn't like it was happening to them, or their father. I should not be so dramatic and stop telling such a horrible story, because nobody likes a horrible story.
So you can only tell your story if it's one that people will like. And yet everyone knows that not all stories have a happy ending. This story of mine, therefore, is not so much a story about a guy smoking who gets cancer,, suffers a lot, and dies, it's a story about his son who had to watch it all and have the world tell him to shut up about the story. Why shut up?
"Well, you should shut up because nobody wants to hear it. It's horrible"
"But it's a true story."
"Of course. But nobody wants to hear a horrible story."
"What if it's a warning?"
"You don't listen very well. Nobody wants to hear a horrible story."
"So people will drive over a bridge that is out because they don't want the sign that says BRIDGE OUT to interrupt them on the way to cross it?"
"That's right. Everyone has the right to follow their own path, even if it is to the bottom of the canyon and their terrifying death."
What broke me were people who heard about a story that was happening to some other poor bastard, and as long as it was not them that the story was talking about, they were not only indifferent to the reality of the story, they were offended that someone dare alert them to it. After all, the one who was listening to a story - which was not happening to him was on his way to doing something else - was on his way to doing something of his own volition. The Pursuit of Happiness shall not be impeded, is our motto. No surprise that somehow public school is taking grief - everyone hates the teacher who tells them they can't jump up and down on the ice of the frozen lake just because they might fall through it. What other purpose does fifth grade have, but to learn from one's own mistakes, of course.
Even if the thing that the one who did not want to hear the story was going to do....was the same thing that was the root cause of the poor bastard in the story he did not want to know about...freedom says you can't get in the way of someone doing something dumb. This is a story about a country full of people who are too busy whistling past the graveyard to realize what put the bodies in the ground that they are walking past...
...they are too busy whistling past the graveyard to be bothered to be alerted to the blunt truth that the thing that put the body in the graveyard I am talking about is the thing they are too busy being on their way to get to.
"The bridge is out, four cars just went over the edge and died in a fiery crash at the bottom of the canyon."
"Not now, man. I ain't got time for that shit. That's depressing."
"Where are you in such a hurry to get to?"
"I'm going to cross the canyon on that bridge to get to the other side"
"But the bridge over the canyon has collapsed, you can't get to the other side. That's what I'm telling you."
"Look, asshole, if you don't get out of my way, we're going to have a real problem. I don't have time for sad sack stories about stupid people who were too busy to read signs that the bridge is out."
So maybe i'll just throw some things up and get started, figure out how to put it together later. Nobody is ever going to see this anyway.
you probably don't know what I'm talking about.
My dad smoked and drank liquor his whole life. At the age of 62 it caught up to him in the form of throat cancer. The last eight years were tragic in ways I can't figure out yet how to convey, although I've been trying for almost 15 years.
What broke me was not the tragedy of watching a man die, consumed by his own addictions.
What broke me was watching him resign to the futility of changing his habits it was too late; nothing could stop the misery at that point, why stop making it worse?
What broke me was the near universal indifference to it by those who I mistakenly told the story to.
What broke me were people who did not know personally anyone else in our story, not me, not my father, nor those in my family who saw fragments and snippets of what happened and thought it was nothing to get so upset about. After all, it wasn't like it was happening to them, or their father. I should not be so dramatic and stop telling such a horrible story, because nobody likes a horrible story.
So you can only tell your story if it's one that people will like. And yet everyone knows that not all stories have a happy ending. This story of mine, therefore, is not so much a story about a guy smoking who gets cancer,, suffers a lot, and dies, it's a story about his son who had to watch it all and have the world tell him to shut up about the story. Why shut up?
"Well, you should shut up because nobody wants to hear it. It's horrible"
"But it's a true story."
"Of course. But nobody wants to hear a horrible story."
"What if it's a warning?"
"You don't listen very well. Nobody wants to hear a horrible story."
"So people will drive over a bridge that is out because they don't want the sign that says BRIDGE OUT to interrupt them on the way to cross it?"
"That's right. Everyone has the right to follow their own path, even if it is to the bottom of the canyon and their terrifying death."
What broke me were people who heard about a story that was happening to some other poor bastard, and as long as it was not them that the story was talking about, they were not only indifferent to the reality of the story, they were offended that someone dare alert them to it. After all, the one who was listening to a story - which was not happening to him was on his way to doing something else - was on his way to doing something of his own volition. The Pursuit of Happiness shall not be impeded, is our motto. No surprise that somehow public school is taking grief - everyone hates the teacher who tells them they can't jump up and down on the ice of the frozen lake just because they might fall through it. What other purpose does fifth grade have, but to learn from one's own mistakes, of course.
Even if the thing that the one who did not want to hear the story was going to do....was the same thing that was the root cause of the poor bastard in the story he did not want to know about...freedom says you can't get in the way of someone doing something dumb. This is a story about a country full of people who are too busy whistling past the graveyard to realize what put the bodies in the ground that they are walking past...
...they are too busy whistling past the graveyard to be bothered to be alerted to the blunt truth that the thing that put the body in the graveyard I am talking about is the thing they are too busy being on their way to get to.
"The bridge is out, four cars just went over the edge and died in a fiery crash at the bottom of the canyon."
"Not now, man. I ain't got time for that shit. That's depressing."
"Where are you in such a hurry to get to?"
"I'm going to cross the canyon on that bridge to get to the other side"
"But the bridge over the canyon has collapsed, you can't get to the other side. That's what I'm telling you."
"Look, asshole, if you don't get out of my way, we're going to have a real problem. I don't have time for sad sack stories about stupid people who were too busy to read signs that the bridge is out."
So maybe i'll just throw some things up and get started, figure out how to put it together later. Nobody is ever going to see this anyway.
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